When I’m 64. And a half.

This past Sunday afternoon, my granddaughter’s best friend threw her a surprise 17th birthday party. It was great. You know how, a lot of times, the surprisee figures out the plan beforehand? Well, this time, Ms. Birthday didn’t have a clue.  She was so surprised when we yelled “surprise” that she burst into tears and locked her keys in the car with the motor still running.

With complete objectivity, I have to say, my granddaughter is one absolutely terrific girl. A primo girl. Beautiful inside and out. Which is both totally wonderful and totally weird for me. Because she’s 17. And she’s my granddaughter.

By which I mean – HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? To wit: The other day, when I told this same girl the name of my new blog, shygirltalking, her response was, “But you’re not a girl!”

Yes. Okay. I was expecting that. I knew what she meant. She wasn’t saying that I’m not female. She was talking about the age thing. Because she knows this is mine: 64. And a half.

Plus, I’d already said it to myself. Whenever a grownup woman uses the word “girl” to refer to herself, there’s always a disapproving wag of the finger from the feminist in her head.  As in, don’t demean me by calling me a girl. I’m a woman. W.O.M.A.N. And not only that. I’m a full-time, walking, talking, AARP card-carrying, do-what-you-have-to-do-when-you-have-to-do-it Grownup. Woman.

Damn right. Most of the time. Or at least some of the time.

Susan Spangler, shy girl talking, pictures & words

Because, in spite of the countless ways that my body is determined to validate the laws of gravity, the girl I was is still inside. All the girls. You know what I mean, right? The whole “inner child” thing?  Kindergarten girl. Elementary girl. Middle school girl. High school girl (that one’s definitely in it for the long haul).

Goofy, dreamy, scared, shy. They’re all still there. Still wanting, needing, whining, giggling, longing. Still demanding to be heard.

The way it feels to me, life in the grownup zone is a series of internal, eternal negotiations between the woman and her girls. Ego and id(iots). So that, at any point, you’re the age that you are – plus all the ages you ever were.

First, there was that insatiable yearning to grow up. After that, the sense of infinite possibility that lasted for years. Then, poof! All of a sudden, 60 looms. To paraphrase a line from the Sopranos rerun we watched last night, life gives us the dubious gift of knowing when we’re getting old.

Wait! What? Old? Are you talkin’ to me? No, no, no. That wasn’t on my agenda. I’m not ready yet. The girls aren’t ready.

The girls thought they had a choice? Come on. All that time you spent thinking that “old” was something separate and different from you? Check with the mirror. (Not that 64 is actually old in today’s world. Or even looks that old. My mother is 91. She thinks all this talk ridiculous. She can still jitterbug and recite Shakespeare, and she knows from old.)

But to get back to my point… What was it, again? Ah, yes. Getting older. Entering a new phase of life. Which, as always, entails the process of revising your self-image. Which is exhausting. The brain rebels each time it has to be done. Especially this time.

In fact, it sometimes feels as if we humans aren’t equipped to encompass the idea of our own aging process. Probably because it took a few million years before any humans actually lived long enough to become old. So, in order to age gracefully, each one of us has to take a kind of evolutionary leap.

And even after we’ve leapt into this mysterious new territory, the girls are still hanging on. Still our sidekicks. Our constant companions. If we’re lucky, some of them may have learned a thing or two along the way. Take Shy Girl, for example. She’s finally figured out how to talk. Even if it did take her 64 years. And counting.

About Susan Spangler

I'm a graphic designer and illustrator, observer and survivor. My website, www.susanspangler.com, contains a wide portfolio of my projects and images – some for pay, most for love, many for both. These graphic essays are inspired by things that catch my eye, my ear, my heart. Funny, confounding, astounding and encouraging, all at once. You know. Life.
This entry was posted in encouragement, inner child, inspiration, peace of mind and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to When I’m 64. And a half.

  1. Peggy Nagel says:

    I think I’m going to like this blog, girl!
    Peggy Nagel

  2. Marianne says:

    In just a few days I’m going to be 65! And I now have a Medicare card! I’m still a girl in my heart, and I still picture you and Peggy as you were in 1966. Always a shock to see you – and even to look in the mirror!

    But about being shy, I have worked so hard over the years to work with it. I often do things like go to meetings and speak in public because it’s “good” for me. But I really wish I were just home, sewing!

    • Happy Birthday in advance, Marianne! I know what you mean about our mental pictures of each other. That’s one of the treasures that having old friends includes – their ability to see through the aging presence to the face we still expect to find when we look in the mirror! I’ve worked on the shy thing a lot, too. It felt like such a heavy burden when I was young. But, looking back, I think it forced me to become more observant than I might have been if I’d felt I “fit in” – a silver lining that I value now.

      • Peggy Nagel says:

        I was also painfully shy growing up. I never thought about it, but Susie, you may have something there. Maybe it did teach us to become more observant. I never felt like I belonged anywhere and it wasn’t until my late 30’s early 40’s that I found my “home” in cancer research. Marianne, I too had to force myself to get up in front of a group of people because I had to. And I will never forget the first time I had to go meet a patient in the hospital at Tulane. I had managed to stay out of them ever since high school and Judy and Linda’s accident. Amazing where this journey has taken us.

        Happy birthday Marianne! I’ll be right behind you with my Medicare card! Looking forward (I think) to where this milestone will lead.


  3. Just had a flashback to when Enjoli perfume used that song in their commercial. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and never never never let you forget you’re a man cause I’m a woman by Enjoli!

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